My Worst Nightmare

I threw Jay an evil-eye glance as he opened the door and let him in. Why is he letting him in the house? It must have been the thousandth time I had thought that very thing in the last thirty seconds. He knew who the guy was. I knew who the guy was. I did NOT want him anywhere near my home, let alone in it!
Jay had explained to me where he had met this man. He had told me that he felt burdened to share God's love with him. I asked him why he couldn't share it on another planet but he just gave me that "shame-on-you" look that I hate. So after much fighting and prayer, Jay invited him to do something and somehow, much against our better judgement, this weirdo had followed Jay to our house.
They stood in the doorway talking as I tried to figure out how quickly we could sell the house and change all of our names. Suddenly Jay was walking out the door and telling me he'd be right back. He said he needed something at the neighbors over his shoulder on his way out.
There I stood clutching my boys and staring at the man. I wanted to vanish with my children into thin air. He seemed very casual and at ease. This really irritated me. He said a few nice things about the house and I started talking about the remodel that took nine months. He asked for something. I don't remember what. Maybe the bathroom? I led him down the hall. I turned to show him the bathroom door and he wasn't behind me. I walked back into the living room where Adam stood looking out the open door. Where's Rowan? I frantically thought. But I already knew. He was gone. He was with the most notorious pedifile in the country.


I ran out the door screaming instructions to Adam and screaming for Jay all at once. A woman walking by outside stops and asks if I'm okay. I ask her if she saw them. I absently realize it's summer. She asks who. I tell her a man with a small boy. She says they just got on a motorcycle and went that way. She points the direction of the highway. I start pelting her with questions. What does the bike look like? Did you see a plate on it? What kind? What color? Was the child at least secured?
Jay is back. He is looking at me like I've lost my mind. I scream at him. Somehow he gets the message that Rowan has been kidnapped. He starts asking the woman even more questions. By now more neighbors have come too see what the commotion is about. I listen carefully as the woman describes what she saw. After I have enough information I run inside and dial 911.

By the time the police arrive Rowan has been missing for 45 minutes.

I answer all of there questions. Three times. I start to get upset because they aren't looking they are interrogating ME. They ask for the fifth time what Rowan was wearing and I start sobbing because I can't remember. I can't remember what he was wearing the last time I saw him. They try to comfort me and I really lose it. I tell them I will not sit here and answer their questions, that I'm going to find my baby. They don't stop me.

Jay and I follow them around for hours. Looking. I finally remember to pray. The first thing I pray is that I will wake up. This can't be real. Please wake me up now, God. Please. I don't wake up.

By night time they have found the bike. It's at an old dumpy place with junk all around. The man there says that there was a guy with a little boy who came on the bike and traded for a clunky old pickup. The officers are searching through the junk. The man tells them what the pickup looks like and says that the other guy told him the boy was his son. I lose it again and keep praying to wake up.

Some of the police leave to look for the old truck and some of them keep looking through the junk. I want to see Adam.

We have a very long night.

The police keep us informed but there is really nothing to tell us. They found a bunch of stuff that the pedifile had ditched. They find Rowan's clothes. They tell me this just means he changed his appearance so he would be harder to recognize. I ask if they really think I would ever have a hard time recognizing my own son. The officer at our house just shifts uncomfortably.

It's morning and they have not found them. Some think they went over the border to Canada. It's been 24 hours since my baby was taken.

I am praying different now. I pray that he is not being tortured or...the unthinkable. I start praying that they find his body instead. That somehow my baby has been spared the ugliness of this world and has gone on to the next.

People are all around me. I know them all. They are praying and saying comforting things and all I can think to respond is, "Not knowing will kill me." I no longer hope to wake up. I hope to die.



I feel very uncomfortable and I can tell that I'm rolling over repeatedly. My head clears and I am suddenly very awake. Jay is restless too. I lean over him to see the clock. 4:47 a.m. Jay asks, "What?"

A wave of relief washes over me and I say, "I just had the worst nightmare ever." Jay hugs me close and says,"I'm sorry." Then he's asleep again. I lie awake for a little while.

"Thank you Lord. Thank you for waking me up," my heart sings as I go back to a dreamless sleep.



Yes, this is how I spent my night and morning today. This is probably the worst nightmare I've ever had. I was so relieved when I woke up that I couldn't cry. Now I've spent the rest of the morning trying not to cry. I have to say that this is one of my biggest fears.

Please pray for me today. I am feeling very out of sorts because of this dream.