Confession

I need prayer.
I am being strongly afflicted. Physically, but mostly spiritually.
I sinned. I thought something I shouldn't have. I have confessed. And wept. And prayed. I have repented of it. Admitted it was wrong and done my best to turn from it. And asked for forgiveness. I believe I am forgiven.
What I can't seem to conquer is the guilt of it. And the fear that I am going to sin again in this way or worse. It is an obsession with the fact that I thought it in the first place. Now I am constantly testing myself to see if I am going to fail. Which in turn, feeds the obsession. I can't feel normal around my own family. I have tried to fill my head with Scripture and prayer. In fact, it is more constant than ever before. But I am afraid that I will sin again and I struggle to let it go.

Please, please pray that Satan will flee. Please pray that God will release me from this sin and this fear of sinning again or worse. Pray that I will NEVER give in to Satan in this area. Unfortunately I think I have been paying him homage by letting the fear and guilt to entrap me so. Please pray for God's strength and please, please ask Him to release me from this for good.

I am also sick with shakes and mild nausea. I haven't had a fever yet but keep getting shaky and hot & cold flashes. I have thought it might be part of the attack as it seems to get worse when I am struggling strongly. But it might be that I am struggling strongly because I am also physically weak.

Please, please pray so hard. I have never fought something to this magnitude before.

Thank you.
I need the Holy Spirit so badly. And I know we can't always feel the way we want, but I so desperately want to feel Him.

I know you guys cannot help me but I know He can so I am asking you to ask Him on my behalf.
I do not want to make idols of other believers but I know it is HE who will set me free.

What's in a Name

Still debating on the name of this baby. Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I am making it but it is very important to me. I know it is important to Jay too or he wouldn't oppose me so much. *wink*

I just don't feel sold on Garrett "Rhett" Leighton. I want Leighton to be his first name. I suggested Leighton Maddox and was told it is a girl's name. Then I suggested Leighton Dale as he is due right around my Papa's birthday(Papa is Dale) and was told that sounded girly too. I asked if it was Leighton he didn't like and he said it was just fine. 

So what do we do? I cannot, in good conscience, bring myself to name him something Jay is unhappy with but I can't bring myself to settle for something I don't really like either. I know that "a rose by any other name would smell just as sweet" but if it was called "barf" would you really want to take a whiff?

Ugh.

We just don't agree on names. Adam was a compromise. Rowan was the one we both actually loved right off the bat. And Avril was because I really wanted it and Jay didn't have a better suggestion. But we seem to be stuck this time. True, I could live with Garrett/Rhett but I don't love it. Rhett is near the top of my list but it's just not the name. Even when we were compromising with Adam I knew it was the name. And if we were having a girl, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I would name her.

It is stressing me out because we are going to have to name the little guy. And relatively soon too. I can settle on a lot of things: my house, where we eat, what kind of car we have, cheaper clothes for the kids, etc. But this is one thing I really don't want to just settle on. I know it would bug me for the rest of my life. Silly? Maybe. But it's still true.

Attention Bargain Shoppers

I'll bet you clicked on this link in hopes of seeing some good deals.

Sorry!

I am actually posting in hopes of you guys helping me find good deals. I know, selfish.

I have a million ideas running through my head for the kids' rooms but everything I want is mega expensive. I have searched the web some but can't seem to find very many deals. So I am asking if you all know of anything similar to what I am looking for or some stores that might carry what I desire.

For the boys' room I am looking for something like this for above the changing table.


I may have found something sort of workable on Etsy but I would really love to find something that resembles this a little more for a lot less.

I would also like this for their room:



It would cost me a minimum of $284 to buy it and have it shipped to me.

Looking for these for the head of the boys' beds:



Oh, and if you all could just find this entire room for under $500, that would be awesome.



Or even this one:


Or...



Or better yet:



Okay. I'm done. Sorry. Getting the covetous bug.

Anyway, I am trying to get the boys' room ready for another boy. Eventually we will need to do some more major changes but for now it's a matter of organizing better and finding a spot for the crib & changing table. No, the baby will not be staying in our room for very long. It's a rule we've always had. By the time they are a month old, they have moved into the kid zone. Otherwise, no one sleeps. i am a bit apprehensive but the older boys sleep like bricks so I think it'll be just fine.

Also, I need to complete Avril's room. I pretty much know what I am doing for hers it's just a matter of getting what I need.

*baskets for toys to go under the bed
*a couple of wall things
*possibly an armoire later on

Then I need to rearrange, finish up some sewing & painting, & hang the stuff on her walls. I know, it's taking me a long time but I really need Jay's help from this point on and he hasn't had time yet.

35

I am 35 weeks pregnant today.
Can I say something?
I am ready.
My house isn't.
But I am.

Well, sort of. I do have a ton of things I want to get done but I am having a hard time believing that it is actually easier now than after he arrives. I mean, I can hardly bend over, sit down, stand up, or sleep. However, I have been here before. And I know from experience that if I don't do it now, it won't get done. Plus, it is good to stay busy when you are anxiously awaiting something. I tend to drive myself and everyone around me nuts from this point on. So I promise to try and stay busy enough that I don't mention how "ready" I am more than 50 times a day.

Tonight will be a good start. We are having our Good Friday celebration at the church. I am very excited. They will start with a Resurrection Egg Hunt for the children. Then some music and a program. Then more music and we will wrap it up with cookies & coffee. We have to be there at 5:45 so much of my afternoon will be getting ready to go. Yay!

Plus Sunday is Easter. That goes without explaining. Brunch, church, family get-together.

Then I have next week which will mostly be occupied by finishing up school and painting projects.

The following weeks will be eaten up with deep-cleaning, reorganizing, sewing, & small amounts of decorating. Plus a day at Grandma & Grandpa's, a Mommy-date with each of the kids, our anniversary, the women's retreat, and Jay's 30th birthday.

Whew! I sure hope that this kid doesn't come early. ha ha
Distractions. Gotta love 'em.

I have to send a birthday wish out to my dad.

It's his birthday today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!
I hope you have a good day. Enjoy your day off of work.
We love you.

Context

I was doing my devotions this morning and my Bible study guide led me to a familiar passage.
At least I thought it was familiar. I always hear the last part of this passage. I have quoted the last part to others myself. I hear it especially in regard to "family size". I have to admit, I have even felt guilty over this passage many times. Mostly when I am feeling overwhelmed by the pressures of mothering small children. Multiple small children. I have cringed when hearing it as it is often used to "prove" that God wants us to have as many children as He wills, even if it means we have twelve or more. I have even prayed over the verses wondering if I am wrong for even trying to plan my family in the smallest way.

The verses I speak of are these:

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord: The fruit of the womb is a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.
How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, When they speak with their enemies in the gate."

Now, in my own mind, the more arrows a warrior has, the better. Right? So, does that mean that God wants us all to have as many children as physically possible? Because I gotta admit, I don't really desire to be pregnant many, many times in my life. And there are days when I really believe that I am doing a poor job simply because there is only one of me and 3 or 4 or soon to be 5 of them. (Jay included) And one person just can't do it all. Of course we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us but we are still human. And we still get tired. And run out of time. And let me tell you, this warriors arrows are going to be pretty worthless if she can't even lift her limbs to arm her bow. Know what I mean?

So I have struggled with the mentality that we should never try to "control" or "plan" our families. I am still not entirely sure where I should stand on the issue. But I did feel somewhat enlightened & a bit relieved when I stumbled across the beginning of the passage this morning.

It reads:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it; Unless the Lord guards the city, The watchman keeps awake in vain.
 It is vain for you to rise up early, To retire late, To eat the bread of painful labors; For HE gives to HIS beloved even in his sleep."

Okay, it obvious that we should sleep in if we feel like it. (hee hee)

But seriously, look at the first verse. "Unless the Lord builds the house, They labor in vain who build it..."  Now, I am not some great scholar or anything but wouldn't that work both ways, big family or little family?

Jay and I have always believed that it is okay to "plan" out our family. (If you know us, you know none of our children have come exactly when we wished they would. So I use the term plan very lightly) But in our minds, it needs to be done in prayer. I am the first to admit that if I hadn't prayed about it, I wouldn't be due in less than six weeks. I did not want to go through the trials of pregnancy again and after Avril being such a cranky baby, I wasn't sure I wanted to go through that part of it again either. So I prayed. And I asked Jay to pray too. Within a month God completely changed my heart. What had felt like doom-&-gloom was suddenly one of my deepest desires. And I never have thought about it until now but I am inclined to believe that's why this pregnancy has been the best out of the four. Because we submitted.

I guess I was just surprised that I had never actually seen the beginning of this passage before. And whether we are trying to keep our family small or make out like the Duggars, if God's not head of the planning department, it's all in vain.

Just a side note, to those who don't, won't, or can't have large families, it is much better to have one well-aimed arrow in battle than hundreds of mis-fired ones.

So let's spur one another on to aim those arrows for the kill shot. every.single.one.

Passage is Psalms 127

Week 2

These are the goals I have for the second of my last six weeks of pregnancy:

1) Finish what's left on week one. (oops)

2) Paint changing table

3) Paint crib

4) Paint Avril's kitchen set

I realize it doesn't sound like much but we are also trying to wrap up school in the next 2-3 weeks. And painting is time-consuming. I am very excited though. Today I am working on last weeks goals of cleaning the trailer and finishing up Avril's room. Of course there will be a few things left to do in her room. Such as: some of the embroidering I want to do, I need to purchase baskets for under her bed, & a few things Jay needs to help me with. He doesn't like a lot of holes in the walls so I have him hang things I want on the wall because I am terrible at it and always need to shuffle them around. This results in extra holes.

Anyway, those are my goals this week.