Jay

I don't really know where to start with this post but I know I want to post it. I have an urge to let you all know what an amazing man I have. Those of you who know him, know that he is, indeed, amazing. But you don't really know how amazing. How completely and utterly wonderful he is. So let me inform you...

Back in April of this year, I found myself very large and pregnant, homeschooling, and entirely stressed out. Hardly a day went by when I didn't call my beloved husband ranting and raving or soaked in a puddle of tears. I assumed I was simply pregnant as I don't tend to handle it well. Something about hormones & weight gain & whatnot. And so did he. So he patiently endured my meltdowns knowing there was an end in sight. After all, May 11th (my due date) and the end of the school year would soon be here. And yes, there were days he not so patiently endured my verbal beatings.

Well, somewhere along the line I exposed myself to some really horrible things and while I could go on all day about how careful we should be about what we put in our minds, that's not what this post is about. So moving on, my dear hubby had been suffering from allergies for quite some time and took up snoring as his favorite nighttime hobby. And I mean it was an all.night.hobby. Which combined with the aches and pains of being 8 months pregnant, meant no sleep for me. Add to that the exposure to scary things and you have one deadly combination. Which we soon found out.

By the middle of the month we were planning our anniversary date. I had been mulling over scary scenarios for about a week at that point and I finally confessed them to my sweet husband over dinner. I have to admit, I was nervous. What would he think when he found out the horrid thoughts running through my mind? He wasn't exactly pleased but he was so sweet about it that it made me feel comfortable telling him when they got especially bad. If he had been harsh or judgemental I would have never felt that I could share with him. And if I hadn't shared with him I don't know what would have happened but i do know it would have been quite dire.

Over the next couple of days it got worse. Much worse. Until finally I was unable to function outside of these horrible thoughts. I could not care for the children, I could not cook, clean, or eat, I didn't shower or get dressed unless I had to. My digestive system didn't work properly. I lost 8 lbs. in six days. I completely fell apart. And what did Jay do? He took off work. He cooked. He cleaned. He took care of the kids. He stood over me while forcing me to eat. He told me over and over that the thoughts weren't real. That I wasn't a terrible monster. He stayed up all night praying & crying with me. He called our church family and asked them to pray over me. He held me while I shivered and shook from the panic attacks. And when we finally realized that it wasn't just a spiritual attack, that maybe there was something really wrong with me, he checked me into the hospital. On our anniversary.

I know that leaving me there that night was probably the hardest thing either of us has ever had to do. Jay was so sad and I tried hard not to cry or beg him to take me home. I think he would have but we both knew that something was wrong and I needed help. Jay left me there and when he got to the parking lot he made sure to find my window and wave to me.

The next morning he was there as early as possible. He had fed the kids and gotten them dressed and dropped them off with my mom or sister, I can't remember. Then he drove 45 minutes to the hospital and I think he was there by 9:00 am. We went in to talk to the doctor and I was diagnosed. depression and compulsive thoughts. Evidently post partum depression can hit before you have the baby. Sweet.

The next few days were spent focusing on getting me some sleep. Hello Ambien! Apparently insomnia is part of it too. And Jay was on a mission. I mean for the remainder of my pregnancy he made sure that I got 8 hours each night and a nap every day.

Things got a little better but not great. We celebrated Jay's 30th birthday. And then finally, four days late, we had a baby. Of course, I couldn't have an epidural but that's another story.

All of that to say, for the last four months, I have seen my husband in a whole new light. He encourages me on bad days. He makes sure I am taking care of myself. He spends time with me whenever he can. H has become so much more Christlike. He is a true servant. and the most loving husband to ever live.

He patiently abides my bad days, telling me as many times as I need to hear it, that I will get better. He makes sure I have help and that I get out of the house whenever possible, often offering to watch the kids. If there is something I need he doesn't hesitate to provide it. Yet, he does not let me walk all over him. He is not a sissy, but a godly, loving, sweet, wonderful, kind, compassionate, MAN.

And I love him.

I wish everybody could see him like I do. But then again, I'd probably be jealous! =)