I have been debating on whether or not to post this, but I feel that I am at a complete loss and need help, so here I go.
I am asking you all to please pray for me and for Adam. I don't know what is going on but I am having trouble with this guy a lot lately. He doesn't obey me and he is being very selfish and mean to other children. He is getting mouthy and sometimes will just stare at me and flat out tell me no when I tell him to do something. If his brother even thinks about touching one of his toys, he flips out and starts screaming at him. When he doesn't get his way he throws his head back and screams until his face is purple and nothing I do or say to him gets through.
Now, I don't want you all thinking that he is just some awful, undisciplined, bratty kid, because he is not. He is such a joy. I just feel as though I am failing him terribly. I don't know what to do. Jay helps as much as he can but Adam just doesn't act like that for him. He seems almost numb to my discipline. And I confess, I lose my temper a lot with him lately.
I don't even know what to say. I am just at a loss as to what to do. I feel like it is a lost cause. I do know that he needs more one on one time with me and I am doing my best to remedy that. Please pray for us. I want my son to grow up loving God and seeing Him in his mother, not resenting God and watching his mom lose it and freak out on him. It makes me just sick to think about the last few days. Please, if you have any advice, I'm willing to listen and try it. If you don't, please please pray for me and my precious boy.
Thanks for listening.
12 comments:
not sure how to help ya there - i don't have kids...but i have been a kid, and we knew how to push our mother - stuff we would never do with our dad. boyz!
mom did take toys away when we were like that - but we always found where she hid them = )
I will surely pray for ya guys. I have some advice, but don't want to write it here. If you'd like to know what I think might help, just call me tomorrow. I know every kid is so different, but there are similair things that might help if I'd share what helped Kira and I.
The BIGEST word of advise I'd say is just remember he's a kid, don't expect too much from a kid or it will be a terrible ending... with that being said, no one thinks he's a brat or undisciplined, everyone knows you guys are one of the most stricked parents around so quit worrying about that. You guys do a wonderful job at being on top of everything, I'll stop since I said I wasn't going to give it to you here. :) Call me when you get a chance.
~PRAYIN~
Lyle always tells me the exact same thing Lance said. Believe me when I say we never treated our mother that way and I expect to be respected by my children (:
I was just telling Lyle to pray for you last night when we were going to bed. I have seen, firsthand, what many have not. I love Adam dearly, but I know the anger that he seems to have been born with and I’ve seen him unleash it on you. I can see in his eyes that he knows what he’s doing and he means it as a direct challenge to you. You have to earn the right for him to respect you, in his mind. Win every battle decisively, and pick your battles carefully so that you have the energy to win when it really matters. I know you realize he can’t be perfect all the time. Put your energy into the things that really matter. Do not let him manipulate you! You are a good mother. I know it can be hard, but make sure you spend quality time with him, showing him how much you love and value him. And most importantly, PRAY every day that God will soften his little heart, guide your decisions and help you to find true joy in each other.
I don't have much to offer. I think it is important for Jay to teach him to respect you both in action and by discipline, I think it is important for you not to lose your temper (I struggle with this having 3 little kids needing constant attention and discipline). I mostly agree with Terah though about praying for God to change his heart. Have you tried playing Christian music while he sleeps? I have heard good things about that...maybe it would fill his heart with good things? I have heard some people teach their kids by giving them a taste of their own medicine, which seems to work for some, but I don't know if I agree with this, I think it teaches them the opposite of humility and turning the cheek, I don't know...maybe I should resort to pray for you rather than give you advice. :)
Heidi,
this sounds like me. (there is hope)
Mom and Dad did a couple of things that worked with me. (you might call mom, she could tell you more than I can, and she would love to help)
First, I remember them staging a fight in front of Mel and I so we could see what it looked like. It horrified us, and was very effective. Dad made a point of letting us know at this point that being this was to each other was not acceptable. I don't think we fought again.
Second, the surest way to lose a toy was to fight over it. If your little man figures out that being selfish with a toy is the surest way for it to wind up in the trash, he will learn to control himself. However, this must be consistent. Then turn to him and tell him (calmly) that his brother is more important than the toy, and that Adam is forcing you to chose between the two. Make sure he knows that you will make this choice every time.
You have probably noticed in some of Heather and my blogs and responses that we go to James 1 where he says that if we lack wisdom, we are to ask in faith and then do what we are told. I firmly believe that God promises in this chapter to give wisdom (what to do next) to all who ask as long as they are committed to obey. This is where Mom learned this and passed it on to us. When Mom was at the end of her rope with me behaving much like Adam, she asked God what to do, believeing He is big enough to put the next thought in her head. The next thought in her head was to throw water in my face. Let me tell you, it worked. Mom always had a glass of water, and when I challenged her, I got to wear it. Water might not be the answer for you, but let me explain what it was that worked. I HATED getting wet. It didn't hurt me, but it took control of the situation away from me. And there were no second chances. As soon as I crossed the line, I got wet. Make no mistake about it, your little man is making a choice to behave this way, and with the right motivation, he can chose not to. Been there, done that.
It sounds to me like this is about power and control to Adam. You have to be very direct and in control with him immediately when he does this. Reasoning or convincing aren't going to work. If you don't take control of the situation, he will. I think this is how you avoid losing your temper, too. If you determine in advance the action you are going to take, then you can calmly do it immediately.
I will pray for you,
Craig
I left your post on the screen hoping Craig would answer--because he has been on the other side of this battle. He, along with the others here have given you excellent thoughts for consideration. Terah's comment helps flesh out the problem a little better but I still don't feel qualified to actually give advice on how to handle the situation.
Your post really struck a chord with me as I feel our #4 is a similar personality. Actually, she was the EASIEST baby we have had but around 16 months or so she developed this dark side to her personality that totally knocked me for a loop!
Anyway, I have a LOT of thoughts on this subject but want to think and pray before trying to give an answer.
Will be praying for you as well.
~H
My first thought was to tell you to wait for Craig and Heather to answer. I think I will stick with that one. :)
Thanks so much guys!
Shelby, I DO plan on calling you but I was gone all day today.
Today went much better than most days lately. I think that was partially due to the fact that we were at my mom's.
I have tried the water thing. I was just telling Terah that we would spray him in the face when he started mouthing off and his screaming would get worse until our water bottle ran dry!=) The last two days I have been giving him vinegar when he gets mouthy with me. This seems to work much better for us. That is my plan of action for the "no's" and other such talk.
I am seriously contemplating the tossing of toys thing. This is hard for me as I HATE throwing away things that they could still play with. I may lock them in a closet for a week or two to start out with. Then I'll move to trashing them if that doesn't help.
I have started praying for him more frequently. And the quality time thing is huge with Adam. I am going to be doing a lot more of that kind of stuff from now on. I also plan on praying with him each morning. We did this today and really think that it helps when he hears me ask God to help him be a nice, kind little boy.
Thanks again for all the great advice! Please keep praying, I really felt it today in MY attitude.
Heidi,
I will keep praying. I got a little wordy in my last answer. After having more time to think about it, there is one more thing I would like to add.
I have heard Mom talk about me, and she still doesn't get what was going on with me. She just asked God and he gave her the answer that worked. However, being on the recieving end, I understand what worked. When I chose to go over the line, it was a definite choice. I knew what to expect (a spanking) and had decided it was worth it. So mom could spank me and spank me, and I was going to keep at it until I was tired of it. The spanking wasn't going to stop me because it was what I expected. What Mom did in effect, was that she came out of left field with something that was totally unexpected, and raised the price higher than I was willing to pay. Water might not be the thing with Adam. But there is something that is too dear to him and yet is not abuse on your part. Once you find out what that something is, you need to use it every time, immediately, and calmly. It might be missing a meal, it might be going to bed, it might be throwing away the toy, or whatever.
The mistake I watch parents who weren't like me make is that they try to show the child what is right, but he or she already knows what that is. This is a power struggle, and when it is calmly demonstrated that the parent not only has power over the child, but will use it, then they are on the right track.
You are correct, your attitude is key as well. If you lose control, he picks up on that right away, and in his mind he is now in control. So the key is to recognize that this is a power struggle that is about control. Then to take the battle right to him without blinking. That is what control freaks like us understand. You just have to do it calmly and immediately. (by the way, a spray bottle wouldn't have worked on me either, I got doused. Then Mom would smile sweetly and ask me if I wanted more. Subtlety will get you nowhere) :)
I mentioned the thing about throwing toys away because I distintly remember Dad telling us when whe fought over toys that in the Jensen house, People were more important than toys, and if we got that wrong we were making the toys an idol. He would not allow an idol in the house, so it was GONE. That got our attention, believe me. He didn't have to do it very many times.
Sorry, I got wordy again. I will shut up now and just keep praying for you. I really feel for you, as it still breaks my heart to think of the struggle I put Mom through.
Craig
Well, it is good to know that you at least feel bad, it gives me something to look forward to!=)
Terah has been telling me the same about the "price" thing. I am struggling to find the right one. Although he seems to really like his special story before bed. I read one to both of them and then put Rowan to bed and read a special one with just Adam. I have started taking it away and he really HATES that.
Maybe I will try the "drowning" thing. =)
Thanks again.
Oh! I really should mention that Jay is amazing. He is definitely in control with Adam. This behavior happens very rarely while he's home. He tells me the things that work for him but they just don't work for me. I guess I'm not as scary. Plus he is gone between 10 & 12 hours a day. Obviously he can't do much about it when he's elsewhere.
And I know losing my temper is the worst thing I could do. I will not make excuses for that. I feel so upset when I think of the times I've lost it and yelled at him. When I was a kid, and even now, the worst thing someone could do to me was yell at me. It made me feel unwanted and unloved. I know, if nothing else, this HAS to stop.
Thanks again, again!
We'll be praying for you, it cant be easy! Its actually a dread of mine...I see the potential for Levi to have these same issues any time soon. He already does, to an extent. Jayde also is willing to weigh up the price of disobedience and many times, as Craig said, she expects a spank and is willing to run the gauntlet! The only way that we are able to achieve any genuine reconciliation or repentance with her, is to point her back to Christ. What the Bible says, what Jesus desires and her relationship with Him..etc. I also find that if I respond with quiet sadness, rather than loud anger, it makes much more of an impact with her. (Clearly, I am ill-tempered far too much of the time!).
And as a point of interest...the spray bottle with Levi has never worked. He figured out a long time ago that it could actually be quite fun. It has to be a dumping of water for it to work, and I would also recommend earplugs (at least in our household!). :)
Yes, earplugs are must around here as well, and not just when doling out punishment. Tow boys-make lots of noise.
I have started taking away his precious bear when he mis-behaves. This is a bear that has been cuddled since he was about six months old and is quite mangey but still very loved. If he starts to be naughty it is taken away for the next period of sleep. I exercise this mostly at nap time when he refuses to take his much needed nap, sometimes staying awake for three-plus hours. His bear is then placed out of reach for that nights sleep and it is explained that he may only have it back if he naps like a good boy the next day. Quite effective.
I hope that Levi is not as stubborn as my little guy. I am realizing that it takes creativity in disipline with these tough-as-nails critters. I agree about the soft sadness verses the loud anger. Also, if you use them too much(I'm realizing) spanks become the norm and their bottoms get TOUGH! =) Adam responds much better to other forms of disipline.
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