the year

I have been feeling the burden for so long. The burden to be that mom & wife.

The wife who helps her husband before he asks instead of sighing and rolling her eyes after he asks. Twice. The wife who greets him with a smile instead of a scowl & cross words. The wife who keeps the house tidy instead of vegging out on the couch. The wife who plans & cooks healthy meals instead of scrambling just to throw something resembling food on the table. The wife who responds softly to his stress instead of lashing out from her own stress. The wife who loves him more than herself.

To be the mom who opens her arms to her children in the morning instead of growling at them to leave her be. The mom who does crafts with her children instead of snapping at them for cutting up paper. The mom who shows her children how to clean rather than get stressed about the constant mess. The mom who giggles, & laughs, & plays on the floor versus talking on the phone. The mom who plans ahead & patiently helps her children out the door instead of snarling at them because she's late. The mom who gently corrects wrongdoing instead of lashing out in anger & frustration. The mom who is attentive to her children instead of trying to occupy them in order to be alone. The mom who loves her children more than herself.

I have spent years watching other women, online, in person, on television & movies, in books, be that woman. I have envied them and longed to be them. But lately the longing has changed. It's becoming a realization, a whisper in my heart.

You can be. With me, all things are possible.

And it's true. I can be that wife & mom. I know it won't be perfect. And it certainly won't be easy. But in my own way, with the gifts God has given me & the beautiful family He has shared with me, one day at a time, I can be her.

I was talking with a friend the other day and she suggested that I give it one year. That I just commit to putting everything else on hold and completely invest in & attend to my family and see what happens. And the more the idea settled into my mind and the more I pondered & prayed, the more I wanted it. I want that year. I want the freedom to not volunteer for anything extra, to stop obsessing about my weight, to ignore my telephone, and to put my family first. To invest wholeheartedly.

So I'm taking that year. It may be 2 or 3 or 30 in the end but I'm going to start with one. One year. Expect to see less of me on Pinterest & Facebook. Expect to hear less from me on the phone. Expect me to say no a lot. And expect to see more of the family here on the blog (after the kids are sleeping of course).

Now I'm not saying that I'll never take a break or do anything extra, I'm just saying that my family is going to come first. I know God will give me the strength & wisdom and I hope others will hold me accountable. It's going to be a challenge. And it's going to be worth it!

This is the year.